All I want for Christmas...is YOU

I was engulfed by sadness today. I couldn't control my tears from flowing, then I heard myself sobbing. I am sad because you are away and for the first time since meeting you, we are spending christmas away from each other. I wouldn't forget ths christmas, nor the christmases of the coming years. I know in my heart that no matter how I try to smile and laugh, a part of me is silently crying.

Merry Christmas dad. You may not be physically present, but in our heart, you never left.

I love you

You have been away for more than two months already, but it feels like years. I am still in pain, and I guess, this pain will linger on until you extinguish it with your presence. The distance between us helped me realize how important you are to me. But it made me open my world to a different level of pain. You took a part of me when you left. So only your presence can make me whole again.

I do not love you because you do things that makes me feel comfortable, happy and secure. I love you. No explanations needed. I do not need to find a reason why I feel this way. I just do. I believe that finding the reason for loving reduces it to simply a product of the "reason". I love you not for anything else. I just know it in my heart.

I love you even if you are not physically present. I love you even if you can no longer do things for me. I love you even if we don't talk often. I love you even if you can't make me laugh as often as you used to. I love you even if I have to make coffee on my own, even if I have to deal with every day life alone. I love you even if you snore. I love you even if you have grown your hair long. I love you even when you switches from one channel to another. I love you even when you refuses to grant my requests.

I love YOU.

A test

Today I feel so gloomy. Probably because I was not able to talk to you last night. You know, I always look forward to Friday. Because Friday is the only time that I can gaze at your face for a longer period of time, drink in the sweetness of your voice and be assured through your words. Without the usual Friday, I feel that my week is not complete. Every after our "Friday moment", I feel energized. I am so full of energy that lasts for a whole week.

I am still going through something emotionally. I have always been like this, emotional. And the only person who can truly understand, tolerate and make me feel good is you. I have often referred to you and our daughter, my strength. In every sense of the word, it is true. I look forward to the future because of you. I have almost lost my direction, but I managed to steer my life in the right way because of you. Clearly, you are the reason why i am still breathing.

So imagine how difficult it is for me to live away from you. I am half awake, half alive. And it breaks my heart whenever infidelity crosses my mind. But I believe you. You have often reassured me that you will not go astray. I trust you.

I love you.

Ours

It took me almost a week to write you another letter. I couldn't bring myself to do so, 'cause every time I try to start, a lump in my throat forms. But I have, I need to. I want to share my feelings with you.

There are a lot of things going on in my mind now. I have been reconnecting with old friends, and I realized many things through them. No matter how perfect someone else life looks, it is still not perfect. Some are blessed financially, but this cannot compensate with the emptiness they feel inside their home. Some are not happy with their marriage, others do not have anyone to share their success with.

Our marriage is like them too. We are blessed with this special bond, but financially, we have to struggle. Which made you work somewhere else, some far away place. If I have to chose between a blessed relationship and financial blessings, I wouldn't trade what we have with any material thing. Even when we are miles away, I can feel the warmth of your love. No amount of material abundance could ever make me feel this warmth, just you.

Yesterday, I cried when I watched the story of someone's wife who died in a mall explosion. They were just like us. Young couple with one daughter. She died and their dreams died with her. I wouldn't want that to happen with us. If I have to die early, I would want to spend my remaining days with you. Building memories which you can hold on to, forever. But if we can not afford that luxury yet, I would have to content myself with just writing you. And sending you messages every day, if not every hour. To let you feel my love. And every time I tell you that I love you, I mean it. Every part of me means it.

I know you know me so well. I do not have to tell you things in detail, because before I do, you have blurted them out already. A lot of times while watching TV or simply passing time, I would think of something, but before I have voiced them out, I find you sharing to me the same thoughts that crossed my mind. Even with our eyes, we convey our thoughts and we understand. This kind of understanding that we share never ceases to amaze me.

We do not have a perfect life. We cannot afford yet, to be beside each other. But I am contented, because what you have offered me, what we have is almost the perfect love.

I love you.

A Start

I promised I will write to you everyday. But I haven't written a single word for you the past two months. I have contented myself with text messages and online calls. I don't want to bother you with my ever changing mood because I know you worry too much about me. I am always emotional and you have been my pillar of strength. You may not be able to lay your eyes on this at once, but I know in my heart, eventually, you will. So today, I am starting a love letter that will take three years to finish. Three years.

October 17, 1999. We spent the night watching the stars, talking about everything. I know you were tired from work, but you chose to stay awake with me. And since then, you never left my side. Despite the struggles that we have to face, the criticisms that we have to endure, we remained together. Who would have thought that we would last this long? Maybe for the people around us, it was just a fleeting feeling, but for us, it was real. Our marriage is not a fairy tale. We have arguments, we have problems, terrible problems, but the reason why we are still together is all because of you. You never gave up on me. You are always willing to forgive and to forget. When I have failed you, you welcomed me with open arms, no questions asked.

My eyes are starting to swell with tears already. It is difficult for me to put into words my feelings right now. I just wanted to cry and be comforted in your loving arms. But I couldn't make you come home like I always do. Not yet.

I was selfish to quit my job and drive you away from home. But I wanted you to find your own wings too. Even if no words were spoken about how you feel, I know. And I hate it that you feel that way. I want you to feel proud and be proud of who you are. No matter what happens, you will always find us here, waiting for you with open arms. No questions asked. Just like you always do.

Thoughtful Sunday

The moment you open up to someone is also the moment you give them the power to control you.

But

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.
- Meredith grey, Grey's Anatomy

Let's face it.

" I will write everyday." Mico promised me before he left for the states. I was crying uncontrollably that Mico just stood there, watching, but in pain. He wanted to console me, I can see it from his eyes. But his words are not enough to console me. How could I stop crying when my only source of strength and joy is leaving me? He was my knight in shining armor and I was always the damsel in distress. But when he left, he left me in distress. We were ten years old. It took me six years to get over him, and two years to build the confidence that I have now.

But now.

" Mia Jacinto" naturally, I was called after a couple of names. I tried to look as normal as possible, but I guess I failed. Because even our instructor looked at me quizzically. My hands are trembling so I immediately put it down. Fortunately, he continued with the roll call.

"Mia?" I heard him whisper. I did not look at him. I dare not look at him. It was the longest class I have ever been. I tried to appear interested, but I was not able to understand a single topic discussed. I have entertained thoughts of dropping the subject, but it is a prerequisite to another subject that I need to take on my fourth year. What if I change schedule, instructor?School? No! I Shouldn't do that. I should show him I am a different person now. I am brave and confident.

Then all of a sudden, I felt someone's arms around me. But it felt good.

" Mia, I am so glad we've met again."

Like a lightning, realization strucked me dead, that someone is Mico. I stood up, gathered my things, and faced him with the sweetest smile i didn't know i possess, until then.

" Hi Mico, Nice to see you again." I started to walk, then I looked back. " See you around." Before I took a step, I saw a trace of pain in his eyes. it may be my sweetest smile, but my eyes were freezing cold.

He left me in distress.

Mom was buried two days before Mico bade goodbye. I was clinging on his company, depending on him to uplift me from the excruciating pain deep within my heart. I was just ten, and I already lost my mom. Then the only person who truly knows me left too. All too sudden.

He lied.

No letters came. I waited. Still none. It was devastating. Everyday I would check our mailbox, but everyday, I always find it empty.

No reasons, no explanations. Not a single word from him. He simply vanished.

Then we met here by chance. And for him, it seems nothing has changed. He changed. I changed. Promises unfulfilled.

As I open the door to our house, I sensed something different. There were voices. Indistinct talking. I heard my dad's voice, a woman and a man's voice who sounds too familiar.

When I stepped into my dad's study room, it was as if I expected to see the sight that greeted me.

"Mia!" Dad and Aunt Anette cried in unison. Aunt Anette stood up and hugged me. I instantly hugged her too. Then from the corner, I saw Mico, smiling, staring at us.

" You have grown into a beautiful lady!' Aunt Anette held me at arms length, studying me. I can see genuine fondness in her eyes, She was like a second mother to me. She and Mom were the best of friends. Remembering Mom made me teary eyed. Which Aunt Anette mistook for my joy in seeing her. " Save those tears for Mico" She pointed in his direction. I didn't know what to do. Should I embrace him? I stood there, frozen, not knowing what to do.

" We met earlier Mom." Mico, playing the role he abandoned eight years ago. " She's still in shock. Give her time to digest everything." He saved me for the nth time from looking stupid.
He walked towards me, offered his hands. " Will you show me our favorite place in the garden?" I know what he was trying to do. He is doing it again. Before I could say anything,he pulled me from where I was standing. He led me to our sacred spot in the garden. Two swings, surrounded by sampaguita plants. We planted those plants and made a pact that we would take good care of it. Every afternoon, after we have pulled the weeds and watered the plant, we would sit in our swing and admire our work.

He stopped. Slowly he let go of my hand. He was staring at a cemented ground, no more swings, no more sampaguita plants. " What happened?" There was a hint of sadness in his voice.

"The plants died. The swings were rusty" I couldn't look at him while I was saying this. I was feeling guilty, which i shouldn't.

" You let them die?" I only nodded. " Why?" He was sounding frustrated. I wanted to scream at him. " I took good care of the damn plants for five years. Oiled the swings for five years. Hoping that you would write and ask about it, ask a picture of this sacred spot. But you never did!"
Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I looked at Mico and he was white as a ghost. I couldn't believe it, I actually screamed at him.

Silently, he walked away. I stood there, motionless. It would have been better if I was lifeless. I didn't know what to do. On the next day i will have to face him again. How would I react? Would I talk to him? No, I do not need to explain anything. if there is someone who should do the explaining, it should be him. He was the one who left me, he abandoned me. Defeated, I slowly walk towards our house. Dad would be waiting for me. He tried to fill the emptiness I felt when Mom died and Mico gone. He saw how I withdrawn myself from people. All I cared about for five years was my books and the garden. I did not even notice my high school life. They say it was the best time of your life. Mine was worst. I lived in my own private world. Then on my high school graduation, I was valedictorian, but no one was celebrating my achievement with me. Just me and my dad. No friends. It was when I realized that I need to move on. My high school life was uneventful, I shouldn't let it happen in college. So when dad and I got home after the ceremony. I asked him to remove the swings, while I busied myself uprooting the plants. I buried the plants. and cemented the place. The way i buried my past and cemented my heart